My family decided we should spend the holidays in an uncharted locale, elegant and quietly transcendent. Somehow, we got shipped to Orlando, Florida. Instead of getting cornrows and a tan, I thought of unsettling things. For example: A Beckett-style play called The Impossibility of Leaving the Room, in which a family of four insinuates they are on vacation. They debate at length whether they should go to the pool or theme park between traumatizing reminiscences. Paralyzed by distraction and indecision, they never actually leave the hotel room. Curtain.

In real life, we eventually emerge from the room and into the blinding light of Planet Hollywood. It is Christmas Eve and a wax statue of Arnold Schwarzenegger greets us at the door, pointing a blowtorch wrapped in LED lights square in our faces. We are ushered to a booth and handed menus revealing the cheapest entree is a $20 burger claiming association with Sylvester Stallone. Something about the texture of the meat, I assume. Imagine my surprise when I stumble upon Laura Palmer’s necklace amid the gun flick memorabilia.

Yes, I am part of a niche market that is accounted for in even the most tourist-ridden heart of Orlando. Hooray. Just to get off the map for a moment, I convince my parents to go to lunch at a little cafe called Stardust. They sell used books, rent cult classics on DVD and offer a sandwich called the Crispin Glover, which I don’t think has to do with the texture of the meat. Maybe something about the chicken being free range.



Ah, to feel at home even in Orlando. Can it be true? On the way back to the hotel, we stop by one of the several pawn shops in the shadowy outskirts of Disney World. We have to wait to get buzzed in. Always a good sign.
Inside there are shelves of orphaned VHS camcorders and glass cases chock-full of guns. Lots and lots of guns. It’s kind of like Planet Hollywood, only the guns are real and instead of Schwarzenegger holding one of them, it’s just some skinny guy in a wife-beater. He weighs a revolver in his palm and then tucks it into the waistband of his JNCO jeans. A look of sinister satisfaction overcomes his face. Perfect fit, he whispers.
Preferring fake fear to real fear, we skedaddle to Universal Studios Islands of Adventure. My brother overhears the Mummy ride is particularly nightmarish so it’s fitting we relinquish all worldly possessions in lockers before embarking the labyrinthine line. I am infinitely more daunted by the possibility that I have a previously undetected medical sensitivity to fog effects than I am of the over-dramatic corpse monster. Note the pre-gaming for terror.

I don’t remember a thing about the ride except that at some point my fight or flight response shot through the roof and endorphins were released, followed by a sense of familial bonding. We willingly simulated a near-death experience. High five. But before we could get too Hallmark about it, we were dumped onto a conveyor belt and herded to the gift shop. This was our final destination – a place where we felt compelled to buy things we didn’t need, forgetting about the ones we had left behind.

P.S. – Next to the pawn shop, we found this gem. I would have at least checked the price tag on the Santa lingerie had they not been closed.
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